Skip to main content

The Dog Days of Summer....

As I stood in front of the mirror the other night, I noticed a few things. One, I am really white. Save for my left arm, which is really tan, I was one pale guy. Then, upon a closer look with a side view, I noticed my stomach was starting to get out there. Nothing drastic, mind you, but enough of a difference to notice. It dawned on me that after nearly 30 years I was in the beginning stages of growing the world renowned Haskins' gut. This is nothing to be ashamed of, mind you, but something exercise had kept me from getting all of these years. On top of that, my love handles had expanded and were more flabby than ever. What had I done!

"This had to stop," I furiously thought to myself. I took it upon myself to change this. Here are five things that I needed to do.

1.) Exercise more.
2.) Stop eating Jack in the Box at three or four in the morning.
3.) Cut back on the beer.
4.) Stop eating Tony's Pizzas all the time.
5.) Fake tanning

With those five things set upon me for the last two weeks, here are the solutions and results that I came up with.

1.) I've been running every other day and working out the other days. While I can now run nearly a mile, there has been very little difference in the stomach region. I can see the forming of abs, but that's about it. (It's a small sample size, I know.)
2.) I now eat Jack in the Box at two in the morning and I've eliminated the cheese sticks.
3.) I've gone to Light beer... Wait, you're saying that's what I drank before? Any chance I can get a lawsuit from this? No... Well, that's ridiculous.
4.) I have cut back on the Pizza. Instead of eating a whole one by itself, I now include a salad. (Don't you judge me!)
5.) Forget about fake tanning. I'm above that. I try tanning the real way. Under the sun. Don't give me that cancer shit, either, because pretty much anything gives us cancer these days. It's a horrible disease, yes, I agree, but I'm not going to pay to get a tan.

So, I'm still white, still not a sex god, and have not yet met a woman down by the green belt. I figured if I was running, it would be a great place to meet women. Maybe I should keep my shirt on. Until we meet again.


*Author's note: No, I do not believe I'm overweight and I am not metro. I just wanted to tone up a little bit and take better care of my body. Is there anything wrong with that?


Josh said…
Regarding #2: crunches/situps will not, in themselves, reduce your gut. Only more exercise and less calorie intake will do that. I'm in the same boat, though. I spent a whole year taking dance classes all damn day and I was still a little fat around the midsection. How do they do it? (Hint: less beer)

Popular posts from this blog

The Bromance of Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Matthew Lillard

In the late 1990's and early 2000's, there was no greater bromance than that between Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Matthew Lillard. The two of them appeared in no less than five movies together in a five year time span. These two were meant to be. Two young stars destined to take the world by storm as a team. Hanging out, meeting women, and enjoying the good life. And then, just like that, stardom was ripped away from them. Though they continued to work, they would never appear together again in a film.
What was it that pulled them apart? Did they just choose to go different directions? Was it Sarah Michelle Gellar that drove a wedge between these two? While Lillard eventually went on to star in an Oscar nominated film (The Descendants), Prinze, Jr. went on to write for the WWE and occasionally show up as a guest star on television shows. While both have tried, neither has recaptured that joy that once displayed on screen. Tonight, I want to dutifully remind the world of t…

From Negan with Love

YouTube screenshot
*The following contains Spoilers from the season 7 premiere of "The Walking Dead"
"Pissing our pants yet? Boy, do I have a feeling we're getting close."- Negan, The Walking Dead

And people thought Ramsay Bolton was sadistic.

The much anticipated season seven premiere of The Walking Dead hit the airwaves last Sunday. Boy, was it a doozy.
I am not going to spend much time on what side of the liked/didn't like it/I'm never watching again spectrum I fall in. I will say that I was enraptured, on the edge of my seat for nearly the entire one hour, six minutes (including commercials) of the episode. This was an episode that filled me with a sense of existential dread for the characters inhabiting The Walking Dead world. It is a feeling that is still with me nearly two days later.
As a disclaimer, I am only through the first ten volumes of the graphic novels. I have yet to reach the Negan arc. I am also on the side of the court that didn't m…

American Sports Franchises Thirsty for a Title

image courtesy of
A billy goat. A dash of bad luck. A sprinkle of a die hard fan. Leon Durham. Add those together and you have the beginnings of the recipe for the curse that has haunted the Chicago Cubs for over 70 years.
In winning the 2016 World Series, the Cubs collected their first World Series title since 1908. Their seven-game victory effectively ended the longest title drought among the four major professional sports leagues in the United States.

Now that the talk of a goat and Bartman can be put to rest, it is now the Cleveland Indians sitting on the longest drought in the Major League baseball. The Indians will be discussed here, as will the other longest droughts in the three other major American sports leagues.
MLB-Cleveland Indians
The Indians moved through the American League this postseason with ease. First, they swept the Boston Red Sox in the ALDS. Then, they took care of the Toronto Blue Jays in five games.
Yes, the Indians lost in the World Series after l…