I just got back from Montana. It was hot there, too, and there were plenty of mosquitoes.
That's not why I'm here today. Today, I want to talk about something that is dear to millions of American's hearts. That, my friends, is the hit new show on E! that goes by the name of It's Complicated. (Or something like that. I don't really watch the show, I've perused it a few times.) Let me tell you, this show is changing the lives of everyone who watches it.
The show "stars" Denise Richards. Each week (and numerous times throughout the week), the show follows the exploits of Richards and her family and friends. No, Charlie Sheen is not involved. Although maybe he can make a guest appearance in a special Courtroom Christmas episode. That may be thinking too far ahead, so let's concentrate on the present. In a way, this show is no different than any other reality tv show. Except one thing: It is not good. I'd rather watch The Hills or Keeping up with the Kardashians. And that's saying a lot. What LC is doing in Hollywood on any given night does not appeal to me, but her friend Audrina does, so that show gets the nod.
What redeeming quality does Richards' show have? To show she is a good mom? That might be true, but I haven't seen it. Instead, I'm stuck watching an episode where Richards visits various stud farms. Not for herself, mind you, but for her female sow that is in heat. (That's a pig wanting to fuck, so it's what middle America wants, I suppose.) Oh, she's so down to earth, she's just trying to help out her pig. Aside from farmers, who probably aren't watching the show in great numbers, how many people actually care that Denise Richards owns a pig. Not this guy, that's for sure.
I also tuned in on an episode which involved Ms. Richards declaring she didn't want to be a sex symbol. She is tired of being nude in movies. Even a second offer to pose in Playboy has Richards wanting something more. The question I ask is, if not a sex symbol, what does she want to be then? She is famous in Hollywood because of her good looks, not her acting chops. Let's take a brief trip through Denise Richards career. First, she was a teen sex symbol in Saved by the Bell. In one glorious episode, Denise becomes Bayside hunk AC Slater's girlfriend. Slater announced it was great because Ms. Richards' character would be starting Bayside in the fall, yet she never showed up. (She had maybe two lines, by the way in that episode. It also shows the kind of freaky, dinky dating ring that Saved by the Bell had going on. That's a story for another time.)
In her next stint, Denise Richards emitted sexiness in Starship Troopers and Wild Things. Starship Troopers is a very bad movie, plain and simple. Yet through it's gaudiness, Richards is the worst actor in the movie, with Casper Van Dien a close second. Wild Things is a movie filled with Oscar nominees and good actors, yet I think Richards' acting single handedly brings the movie down. It's saving grace is, all at once now, her sexiness.
Later, she moves into the role of a Bond girl, and you know the rest. Sexiness plus bad acting equals high paycheck. Playboy comes next, a stint with Charlie Sheen, and relative obscurity. This girl should have long faded from public view.
Five minutes of an episode are spent by Denise's friend searching for nude shots of her on the internet. To me, it was just a cheap plug for Mr. Skin.
As it turns out, I don't really blame Denise Richards for any of this. Maybe this is how her real life plays out. The first scene of the season set the tone. Ms. Richards had to wait at a DMV to get her licensed changed because she still had the last name Sheen. The poor girl had to wait and she nearly lost it. How could a celebrity of this caliber have to wait in line? No, no, I don't blame her. I blame channels like MTV, VH1, and E! for putting these shows on. And the genius behind this one? Mr. Ryan Seacrest himself.
In conclusion, Ryan Seacrest is destroying America, one network at a time. That's what I was talking about, right? Seacrest? No. Sorry, but you know how it is. It's complicated.