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Saved by the Bell: Anatomy of a relationship

Long before Dylan, Brenda, and Kelly fought at the Peach Pit, Dawson, Pacey, and Joey argued at the creek, and Buffy, Angel, and Spike knocked each other senseless, the teenage relationship anatomy began at a tiny little diner called The Max. That's right, it wasn't Kevin Williamson that started the bizarre, communal relationships that took place on tv. It was one man with a dream to make Saturday mornings wholesome again. High School was a scary place to begin with, but the people at NBC gave us something to root for again. That is, until you're older, and realize what a sex craved world these six teenagers lived in every Saturday morning.

Let's start with Zack Morris, lead singer of the Zack Attack and one of the coolest guys Saturday morning has ever seen. It started out simple, with a crush on Kelly. The boy could not get enough of these teen volleyball player. Sure, he dated off and on, experiencing the field, but when he finally won Kelly, it seemed things would be perfect and fate would have it's way. Except they broke up. And Zack began a streak of serial dating. It started with Jesse, who he kissed while still dating Kelly. Zack moved on that summer, when he began to date Stacy Corosi, who he promised to write and visit on the holidays. After that, things got a little sketchy. I'm pretty sure at the same time, Zack was dating Stacy, the girl from Hawaii who had a daughter, the homeless girl from the Christmas episode, Torry, and even had time to make a play for Kelly again. In between, he found time to kiss Lisa and even fall for Slater's sister, who was supposed to stay at Bayside, but never appeared again. Top that, Zack dated a girl from USC, and she was probably the hottest of his choices. Zack Morris was a P.I.M.P. That's right, I capitalized it. The man probably carried around with him a lot more than a cool smile and bleach blonde hair by the end of his senior year.

Zack always competed with Slater for the chicks, and somehow Zack seemed to win. (Must have been those pants Slater wore.) The same summer where Zack met all of these women, Slater met Denise Richards (refer to previous blog for this back story). Only weeks later, Slater won over the heart of a princess from a foreign country, and yet ended up right back with his old ball and chain, Jesse. He always loved his mama (i.e. whipped)
Speaking of Jesse, she held her legs together in high school, but let me tell you, that pent up sexual energy came pouring through in Showgirls. Sure, I just crossed two genres of pop culture, but I'm allowed in this situation. Look it up... Jesse didn't have quite the dating resume of the two lead guys, but none of the girls really did.

Kelly spent most of her teenage years toying with Slater and Zack, never really finding time for anyone else. She did dump Zack for that asshole Jeff, but that should teach her to date college guys when she's still in high school.

Lisa never really had time for guys. She dated a few, but she was a money grubbing bitch who couldn't find a rich enough man at Bayside. (Okay, she wasn't a bitch, but she never really did give that Screech a chance. Okay, maybe once, but that was in the "last" episode of high school.)

Speaking of Screech, well, he dated Violet, played by Tori Spelling, who starred in Beverly Hills 90210, which spawned it's evil, grown up clone Dawson's Creek, which was on the same network as Buffy. And that's how you connect to Kevin Bacon. Wait, we weren't playing that game? My bad...

So, in conclusion, the relationships on Saved by the Bell were complicated, but in a way, very similar to that of college theatre departments. In a way, the relationships on Saved by the Bell can be blamed for the number of kids that are now in their 20s having a numerous amount of sex partners. Hey, if Zack Morris can do it, then it must be cool. Right?


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