This is a monologue I wrote for Voices from the Boise Hole 2. Due to the length of the show, this monologue was ultimately cut. It's a little dated, as it was written in March of 2013, but still relevant. I present it today, in lieu of the events of November 4th. (*Warning. Bit of cursing ahead)
(DANIEL,
dressed in a suit and tie, addresses a camera.)
“Hi. I’m Representative Daniel Williams and today
I’m proud to announce my intention to run for re-election of the Fourth
District—“ Hold please. Something
doesn’t feel right. Do I really need to
introduce myself? I’ve been here for
four years. People know who I am… Right. The youth vote. Why don’t we just put something on the
Twitter then? Okay… How much time do we
have before the interview with the Statesman reporter? He’s here now? Yeah, let him stay. We’ll knock it out of the park. Let’s move ahead. We’ll come back to that one. Ready?
“Hi. I’m Daniel Williams. Idaho families are hurting. Declining wages and lost jobs are only part
of the problem. Soldiers are returning
home without the stability in the workforce they once had—“ Shit. You really want me to read this? I know my son is part of that very same
military demographic. It’s not the
personal stuff I’m worried about. I’ve been
promising jobs for four years. Maybe we
can try a new angle. The people just
haven’t seen results with that and… No, I don’t want to lose focus on the
unemployment numbers, but maybe we can try something different with the
ad? It’s just that I’ve done what I can
to push through the tax plans. The
solutions are all ready there, as clear as day.
Until we can lower taxes for small business, new jobs will be sparse and
we are shit out of luck… You want me to back a plan to get Atlas Shrugged to be a required read for all high school
students? Done. I’ll support that with my eyes closed. Hell, maybe we can get the County
Commissioners to overturn the smoking ban.
I like to be able to smoke on the patio after a meal at Red Feather and
I’m sure our Statesman friend does too.
Our tobacco sales continue to slip. Ten
percent in the last year, that’s how far they fallen… Of course, the religious
vote. No smoking around their children.
Let’s try it again. I apologize.
(To himself.)
Relax. Breathe.
Good thoughts…
(To camera.)
Roll it. Action.
“Hello. I’m Representative Daniel
Williams. And today I’m here to state my
case for re-election. Times are changing
and with it, the issues. What is needed
now is someone to provide a clear and steady hand to guide us.” Okay, I can get behind this… “It is time to
uphold our second amendment right not only for our state, but for the
nation.” Fuckin’ really? We decided to go that route? I thought at the last meeting we decided to
wait. It’s just the second amendment
argument is a little outdated. We’re not
defending ourselves against the British… You’re right. The voters.
Can I get a beer please? I’m always better with at least one. No, I’m not taking the beer with me. One open container ticket and the world won’t
back off. People make mistakes. Yes, I have a driver. His name is Gary. He’s outside.
If I want to finish off a twelve pack in my free time, I will. Look, it’s just one beer… The reporter can have one,
too. It’s not like this is breaking news
to him…
Look, I’ve already missed
Church for this. I can’t miss
dinner. It would be the fifth time this
week… Sometimes it’s nice to just get away.
Two of the nights I was at the airport bar, getting to know my
constituents. One time I was down at the
Cottonwood, having dinner by the river. Last
night I went and saw Spring Breakers. I tell you, that’s a good movie… I like to
think of it as my tax dollars at work.
Make sure to log that down…
Let’s go ahead… Skip ahead…
Action. “It’s time for a change in our
education plans. We need stability and
by helping forge ahead with a new set of Luna laws—“ Is this guy fuckin’
serious? Cut more jobs. You’re shitting me. Does that not go against what I just said? Did
you know that Idaho was 48th in education in the most recent
testing? They were so I certainly
understand we need an overhaul but more computers are not the answer. My kids already spend enough time on those
damn things. I don’t remember the last
time we had an actual conversation. We
interact by liking each other’s post on Facebook. I don’t even know what I’m liking!
Fuck it. Roll the fuckin’ camera… “Hi. I’m Daniel Williams, Representative of the
Fourth District. I grew up in
Idaho. My father was a contractor and my
mother was a nurse. I have been here my
entire life and you know what. We
stink. Not just as a state, but as a
nation. Remember when being a politician
was an actual job? This here, this used
to be about building a better community and helping people to live their
lives. Not to dictate how people live their lives by playing God to them. I shouldn’t have to waste my time pushing
through a bill to stop TV shows from showing or insinuating sex on shows before
ten P.M. Here’s an idea for you: Let the parents be parents. Quit trying to regulate what are kids do or
don’t watch. That’s the parents’
job. We are living in a place where kids
are coddled to the point they feel entitled to whatever they desire. We used to be a state that stood for
something. Now, we are a bunch of lazy
fuckers that hope someone can make the rules for us. It’s tired.
I’m tired. The entire act is
tired. We spend too much time engaging
in pointless arguing that nothing gets done.
What do we stand for?
Nothing. We stand with are backs
to the wall and we fight off progress as long as we can. You want your utopia? Read Atlas
Shrugged. The rich can live their
secret lives. And I like that book. I went to law school and earned my
money. I don’t want to pay higher taxes,
but there is something fundamentally wrong when my secretary pays the same amount
on her taxes as I do and she makes $80,000 less a year than me. Legalize marijuana and tax the hell out of
that, but don’t make her pay more. Hell,
I’m stoned right now and it feels nice.
It’s time for change and until we can find the guts to stand tall and
join an ever changing nation, we will continue to fall behind and be a shell of
the state we once were.”
(DANIEL takes a
moment, staring ahead.)
Got all that. Good.
You can print that, show that on YouTube, I don’t care. There’s a 98% chance I win again even if I do have an opponent. This is Idaho, after all…
(LIGHTS.)
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