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This is a monologue I wrote for Voices from the Boise Hole 2.  Due to the length of the show, this monologue was ultimately cut.  It's a little dated, as it was written in March of 2013, but still relevant.  I present it today, in lieu of the events of November 4th. (*Warning.  Bit of cursing ahead)



(DANIEL, dressed in a suit and tie, addresses a camera.)

“Hi.  I’m Representative Daniel Williams and today I’m proud to announce my intention to run for re-election of the Fourth District—“ Hold please.  Something doesn’t feel right.  Do I really need to introduce myself?  I’ve been here for four years.  People know who I am… Right.  The youth vote.  Why don’t we just put something on the Twitter then?  Okay… How much time do we have before the interview with the Statesman reporter?  He’s here now?  Yeah, let him stay.  We’ll knock it out of the park.  Let’s move ahead.  We’ll come back to that one. Ready? 

“Hi.  I’m Daniel Williams.  Idaho families are hurting.  Declining wages and lost jobs are only part of the problem.  Soldiers are returning home without the stability in the workforce they once had—“ Shit.  You really want me to read this?  I know my son is part of that very same military demographic.  It’s not the personal stuff I’m worried about.  I’ve been promising jobs for four years.  Maybe we can try a new angle.  The people just haven’t seen results with that and… No, I don’t want to lose focus on the unemployment numbers, but maybe we can try something different with the ad?  It’s just that I’ve done what I can to push through the tax plans.  The solutions are all ready there, as clear as day.  Until we can lower taxes for small business, new jobs will be sparse and we are shit out of luck… You want me to back a plan to get Atlas Shrugged to be a required read for all high school students?  Done.  I’ll support that with my eyes closed.  Hell, maybe we can get the County Commissioners to overturn the smoking ban.  I like to be able to smoke on the patio after a meal at Red Feather and I’m sure our Statesman friend does too. Our tobacco sales continue to slip.  Ten percent in the last year, that’s how far they fallen… Of course, the religious vote.  No smoking around their children.

Let’s try it again.  I apologize. 

                (To himself.)

Relax.  Breathe.  Good thoughts…

                (To camera.)

Roll it.  Action.  “Hello.  I’m Representative Daniel Williams.  And today I’m here to state my case for re-election.  Times are changing and with it, the issues.  What is needed now is someone to provide a clear and steady hand to guide us.”  Okay, I can get behind this… “It is time to uphold our second amendment right not only for our state, but for the nation.”  Fuckin’ really?  We decided to go that route?  I thought at the last meeting we decided to wait.  It’s just the second amendment argument is a little outdated.  We’re not defending ourselves against the British… You’re right.  The voters.

Can I get a beer please?  I’m always better with at least one.  No, I’m not taking the beer with me.  One open container ticket and the world won’t back off.  People make mistakes.  Yes, I have a driver.  His name is Gary.  He’s outside.  If I want to finish off a twelve pack in my free time, I will. Look, it’s just one beer… The reporter can have one, too.  It’s not like this is breaking news to him… 

Look, I’ve already missed Church for this.  I can’t miss dinner.  It would be the fifth time this week… Sometimes it’s nice to just get away.  Two of the nights I was at the airport bar, getting to know my constituents.  One time I was down at the Cottonwood, having dinner by the river.  Last night I went and saw Spring Breakers.  I tell you, that’s a good movie… I like to think of it as my tax dollars at work.  Make sure to log that down…

Let’s go ahead… Skip ahead… Action.  “It’s time for a change in our education plans.  We need stability and by helping forge ahead with a new set of Luna laws—“ Is this guy fuckin’ serious?  Cut more jobs.  You’re shitting me.  Does that not go against what I just said? Did you know that Idaho was 48th in education in the most recent testing?  They were so I certainly understand we need an overhaul but more computers are not the answer.  My kids already spend enough time on those damn things.  I don’t remember the last time we had an actual conversation.  We interact by liking each other’s post on Facebook.  I don’t even know what I’m liking! 

Fuck it.  Roll the fuckin’ camera… “Hi.  I’m Daniel Williams, Representative of the Fourth District.  I grew up in Idaho.  My father was a contractor and my mother was a nurse.  I have been here my entire life and you know what.  We stink.  Not just as a state, but as a nation.  Remember when being a politician was an actual job?  This here, this used to be about building a better community and helping people to live their lives.  Not to dictate how people live their lives by playing God to them.  I shouldn’t have to waste my time pushing through a bill to stop TV shows from showing or insinuating sex on shows before ten P.M.  Here’s an idea for you:  Let the parents be parents.  Quit trying to regulate what are kids do or don’t watch.  That’s the parents’ job.  We are living in a place where kids are coddled to the point they feel entitled to whatever they desire.  We used to be a state that stood for something.  Now, we are a bunch of lazy fuckers that hope someone can make the rules for us.  It’s tired.  I’m tired.  The entire act is tired.  We spend too much time engaging in pointless arguing that nothing gets done.  What do we stand for?  Nothing.  We stand with are backs to the wall and we fight off progress as long as we can.  You want your utopia?  Read Atlas Shrugged.  The rich can live their secret lives.  And I like that book.  I went to law school and earned my money.  I don’t want to pay higher taxes, but there is something fundamentally wrong when my secretary pays the same amount on her taxes as I do and she makes $80,000 less a year than me.  Legalize marijuana and tax the hell out of that, but don’t make her pay more.  Hell, I’m stoned right now and it feels nice.  It’s time for change and until we can find the guts to stand tall and join an ever changing nation, we will continue to fall behind and be a shell of the state we once were.”

                (DANIEL takes a moment, staring ahead.)

Got all that.  Good.  You can print that, show that on YouTube, I don’t care.  There’s a 98% chance I win again even if I do have an opponent.  This is Idaho, after all…

                (LIGHTS.)

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