Contrary to popular belief, I have not fallen off of the face of the earth. The lack of recent posts was due to my obsession with the Olympics and Beach volleyball. So, here is a monologue I wrote to tide people over until the Olympics end. (Sure, women's beach volleyball is over, but the closing ceremonies are going to be awesome. Right? Right?! Dammit...

(Robert is a 29 yr old man. He stands in the center of the stage, a chair right behind him.)

"Today is the 1st day of the rest of our lives. (ROBERT sits.) Um. Yeah... My name is Robert, and, um, well, I'm an... (ROBERT pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He methodically opens the pack and pulls one out. He lights it up.) I'm an alcoholic. I don't have a problem, it's my friends, they're enablers really-- What? No smoking inside. Sorry. I guess I've seen too many movies. You know, smoke a cigarette, open up, hug it out, you know....I'll put it out. (ROBERT takes a few more quick puffs from the cigarette and puts it out on his shoe. He instinctively takes out another one and lights up.) Well, like I was saying, my friends are the ones that get me to drink. I mean, they want to have a good time and I give them that. Stories and stories they can tell their grandkids one day, I suppose. Just a bunch of bullshit, really, if you ask me... Of course, they're the ones that recommended me to come here. Personally, I think they've seen Intervention too many times, but I said what the hell... I've been drinking since I was 18. It's just something I do to pass the time. I mean, I get bored. What better to do than knock back a cold one or two...or twelve. It's not a problem, really-- Pardon. Oh, yeah. The smoke. My bad. (He puts the cigarette out.) Um, so, last week, I was at the bar. Can I start there? I don't really feel like starting back much further. That would take a big fuckin' hammer to sort out those issues...So, I was this place called O'Michaels on 32nd...Yeah, that's the one. Best Rum and Cokes in town. The best. They use nothing but the best rum. I'm talking top shelf shit. Um, anyways, long story short, my best friend and I are having a good time, drinking, checking out chicks. Stuff that buddies do, right? Well, the night goes on, shit winds down, and my friend and I have words. I don't even remember what about, I'm so wasted, but shit goes down. I end up beating him up bad. (ROBERT takes out a cigarette and smokes it.) A bunch of drinks get spilled and I bruise my knuckles up. Can you believe it?-- Yeah, the cigarette, I know-- All that wasted alcohol. Now that's alcohol abuse-- Hold on a minute. Let me finish-- Do you get it? All that wasted alcohol. Gone like a flash-- Jesus Christ. It's just a fuckin' cigarette. A little smoking never hurt anyone. My best friends in the hospital and you're worried about cigarette smoke. Jesus Christ! I don't care if these other people don't like it. This is my time. Me. If they don't want me to smoke on their time, I won't. This is my time. Isn't this what this is all about? A bunch of self-centered people coming to talk to other self-centered people about their own personal problems. I don't want to be here. He doesn't want to be here. She doesn't want to be here. Hell, you don't even want to be here. This is all pointless. I"m not here because I have a problem. I'm here because I hurt someone else besides myself for once. Can't you get that. This doesn't help me. The second I walk out of here I'm going to drain the flask that's in my pocket digging into my thigh right now. And it's going to be sweet, sweet relief. That's how much I care about this thing here. I just want my friend back. (ROBERT takes a long puff from his cigarette and finishes it.) Happy. It's gone. (He takes out the flask and drinks from it.) My name is Robert. Today is the first day of the rest of my life."



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