ONE NIGHT ONLY!
This should be on the front page news. The Queen of daytime is being dethroned by the King of Paternity Tests. Maury better watch out. This reminds me of another time when another daytime talk show host tried to take on Oprah. Please read and enjoy!
*Author's note: This is essentially a re-post of a blog I wrote for another website in 2005. I may have changed some things. Not to protect the innocent, but because chances are I spelled some stuff wrong the first time.
ONE NIGHT ONLY
THE MATCH EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR
OPRAH VS GOD VS TONY DANZA
That's right folks, after all the months of debate and name calling, these three heavyweights are finally taking their jabber to the ring. It all started months ago, when after a barrage of questions from Oprah, God threw off his microphone and stormed off of Oprah's Chicago set. Even after his exit, Oprah continued to tear into God about what a lousy father he had been by leaving his poor wife to care for their child without any sort of support. God responded by saying that, "his private life is private" and that "people like Oprah and Hard Copy should stay out of his life."
Tony Danza joined the fracas later that day on his own talk show, stating that Oprah should just learn to bake a nice lasagna for her guests and everything would go better. Mr. Danza said Oprah shouldn't take things for granted and should learn to praise god for her talent. Mr. Danza proceeded to ask God if he would appear on THE TONY DANZA SHOW. God, ever the nice man, gave Mr. Danza a polite no. God stated, "If I wouldn't appear on Chevy Chase's show, then I sure as heck wouldn't be appearing on your show opposite of GUIDING LIGHT. Who can compete with that?" Danza subsequently lost it after that. He began to sing Sinatra and pondered to himself aloud who really was the boss?
The battle raged on and soon enough, Mark Cuban decided he could make some money on all of this. A pay-per-view affair was soon drawn up and the three would battle it out in a Triple Threat Match.
Oprah, a self made woman, continued to make promises to her fans. "If I win, everyone's getting a new car." This would mark the 11th time that she'd promised this to her fans this season. If she won, it would only mark the second time she's followed through with said promise.
God stayed silent for the most part and said only one thing to the press. "I'm sorry that I ever answered Oprah's prayers to have this talk show succeed. I can see now that it has gone to her head."
The big night arrived. Danza came out with his entrance music: the theme song from WHO'S THE BOSS? His corner man for that night would be none other than Jonathan Bower himself, Mr. Danny Pintauro. Oprah came out next. She arrived to 50 Cent's hit song "Candy Shop". As always, Oprah was backed by Dr. Phil. At one point before the fight, Dr. Phil had Pintauro in tears. We all that with Dr. Phil, there's always a breakthrough. Finally, God made his entrance into the arena. "Eye of the Tiger" blared through the speakers and he had many people in his corner because, well, because he's God.
Despite all of the hype and fanfare, the match turned out to be short lived. It turned out that Oprah was God, thus negating the existence of man. She made short work of Danza by taking his own advice. She baked him a nice lasagna using his very own recipe. Once again, Oprah was on top of the world.
*So, Maury Povich, watch your back. Tony Danza was relegated to the 3am time slot in some markets, while most markets simply stopped carrying his talk show. Though I don't think you need to worry as long as you keep those giant babies walking around your set.
Keep on rocking in the free world