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The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The holiday lights have been hung. The Christmas trees have been placed in the corner of the house. Cookies are in the process of being consumed. Christmas Day is fast approaching. All of these things mean only one thing: It's time for "Home Alone" to be shown at least twenty times before the Holiday Season ends.

Over the past two years, I have been promising the "Fallacies of Home Alone" blog. After careful deliberation and procrastination, the time has finally arrived that I put the pen to the paper. Or in this case, my fingers to the keyboard. Due to the many beers consumed while discussing this subject with my friends, namely Danny, Aaron, and Cornbread, I'm not sure I remember all of the key points that we've settled on, but I will do my best.

First off, with a nod to Aaron on this one, why is Kevin McAllister scared of a furnace? The kid has been home alone for a few days, yet he's scared of this thing in the basement. Sure, maybe it's scary for an eight year old, but he watched "Angels with Filthy Souls", so he can't be that scared, right?

Speaking of being eight years old, you're telling me this kid already knows how to go grocery shopping and get the essentials? This is the same kid that only nights before threw a fit when he couldn't get his cheese pizza. An eight year old kid would fill up on candy and toys. On top of that, he did the laundry perfectly. In the straw poll that I did (I asked five people), not one of them knew how to do laundry at the age of 8. And to separate the colors from whites to top that.

The McAllisters must have had the best surround sound available to anyone at that time. To fool a pizza delivery man with the sounds of gunshots and speaking, it would take some pretty good speakers. I mean, the pizza guy was obviously very scared. Then, the very next day, Kevin needs firecrackers to scare off one half of the Wet Bandits. Was the surround sound broken? Or did he just not have enough time to turn it on?

If a frantic parent calls from France, why, as a dispatch operator, would you assume that this was a prank call? And the cop that was sent over to the house was even worse. Simply knocking on the door is not enough to look for a lost kid.

Marv and Harry sure have a lot of junk in their van for having just robbed all these rich, white folks' houses. You'd think they'd have a lot more. They could have just left the McAllister's house alone. You know what, though, they got greedy.

I don't understand how two grown men can't handle the antics of an eight year old kid. I've tried running across micro machines before, and I've never slipped like those two did. I understand the tar on the stairs, because that's just clever and funny. I'm just saying that after the first paint can flying at my face, I would understand that more would probably be coming. It's just common sense.

I've never seen anyone slide across an ice skating rink on their knees quite like Kevin McAllister can. The poor bumbling cop never had a chance.

If that old man has been watching the house the entire time, why didn't he just call the cops, especially after he saved Kevin's life? Seems a little creepy to me.

So, what have we learned today? Well, probably that I've seen "Home Alone" too many times. And you know what, even with these things in mind, I'll probably watch it again. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go watch the end of "Tough Love 2".

Jason

*If you'd like to add your own problem with "Home Alone", feel free to comment. Or shoot down my points. Or not.

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