Curling Tryouts...


Date: February 27, 2010
Time: TBD

It's awesome! Join today and get a free ice broom!

That's right, folks, it's the sensation that's sweeping the nation. It's the sport to end all sports. If you haven't guessed by the name of this blog, I'm talking about curling. And I'm looking to put together a super team that will take out those pesky Canadians. I am not looking for a team that will simply be "glad to be there". I want a team that is all business and goes for the kill, much like Shani Davis in speed skating. Curling is a very serious sport and I will need your utmost attention to training. The training will be 12 months a year, so if you can't be committed to Team USA, don't bother showing up. Curling is life.

To begin with, let me start out with what I do have for my team. I have already purchased some cool looking pants that we will all wear. Norway has already created their pants in honor of John Daly, the world famous golfer. I, in turn, have decided to one up way Norway. Sure, they might have a better team, but will their pants be designed in honor of the late, great Payne Stewart? I don't think so.

I have the ice brooms. Now I just need people that are good at sweeping ice. I'm not talking about people that can sweep a floor or sweep out the garage. While these are certainly good starting points, the ice can be a dangerous place, especially when you are sweeping it.

I need someone with a boisterous voice to yell out things like "Off!", "Left" "Harder", and "in the crotch!". Though it may sound like it, curling is not erotic. Unless, that is, you are in love with the excitement of two people running gingerly on ice while trying to sweep the ice in order for a rock to hit the center mark. If that's the case, then this truly is the sport for you.

I will need someone to withstand those raucous Canadian fans. They drove a Denmark Olympian to tears with their stomping and yelling. I cannot have an Olympian break down like that, unless it is on the podium for the medal ceremony. And that's only if we win gold. If you cry over the bronze, I'll give you something to cry about. There's no crying in Curling. And no crying in Baseball.

I have a them song for our entrance music. It's "We Will Rock You" by Queen. I don't even care if there is no entrance music for Curling in the Olympics. We will do it because we're the U.S.A. dammit and we have national pride. And that pride is for Curling.

Veronica has provided our team motto: "If Curling is wrong, I don't want to be right." I'll get some tee shirts made up.

Aaron has provided our team chant. It's "Get your rocks off".

Finally, I need one last thing for these open tryouts. I need someone to explain to me how Curling works. That would help immensely in our team's training.

And John Schuster, you blew it! Now we're going to lose to the Chinese. Thank you very much.



matthewkelly said…
I drink sweet tea vodka and lemonades to honor John Daly. USA! USA! USA!
Hasko said…
I would actually like it if NBC would show the team from Norway drinking sweet tea vodka and lemonades while preparing for the event. And smoking cigarettes. All in honor of John Daly.

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