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A thunderous downfall

"They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying its Lindsay Lohan."

That is a direct quote from Lawyer Stephanie Ovadia to the New York post about the Etrade commercial that apparently is making fun of Lindsay Lohan. With this quote and impending lawsuit, the end of civilization is near.

Okay, maybe that's an extreme statement, but it's also extreme to sue a company for $100 million in damages. As a basic rundown, in case you haven't seen the commercial, a baby refers to a girl that called the night before whose name is Lindsay and she is a milkaholic. Therefore, using common sense, the commercial must be about Lindsay Lohan, right? (You could probably check out the commercial on YouTube. It was an ad that ran on Super Bowl Sunday.)

Of course not. To begin with, I personally have never liked these Etrade commercials with the talking babies nor have I found them particularly funny. That is besides the point. My point is what is the world coming to when celebrities need to sue for $100 million over a commercial that may or may not be making fun of you? Has Lindsay Lohan lost her sense of humor, if indeed Etrade was poking fun of her? Has Lindsay Lohan fallen this far in which she needs to sue a company over a commercial that barely uses the name Lindsay? The entire idea that everybody is talking about how the commercial is referring to Lindsay Lohan does not make sense. Sure, everyone is talking about it now, but not once in my circle of friends did I hear, "Did you see that Etrade commercial making fun of Lindsay Lohan? It's crazy." Not that my friends represent all of the world, but you think it would have been mentioned sometime before this lawsuit came out.

My anger over this has faded over the past few days, mostly because I shouldn't care as much. It's also because I've decided to sue the creators of the "Friday the 13th" franchise because it depicts people named Jason as murderous men who wear hockey masks. I'm sure I am entitled to millions of dollars because of the pain and suffering I've occurred over the years because people instantly run from me when they hear my name. I've been associated with this for too long. While I'm at it, I will research all other instances in which movies and commercials use my name in a derogatory manner. Therefore, I can acquire all of the money in the world and make my name synonymous with money, not murder.

We all know Ms. Lohan previously had an alcohol problem. We know how serious alcoholism can be. Just because a commercial refers to a baby named Lindsay that's a milkaholic does not mean they are referring to you, Ms. Lohan. Maybe all of the Lindsay's in the world can turn around and sue you for sullying their name. You have created havoc, traffic accidents, and have been in the news for alleged drug abuse and basically stalking your ex-girlfriend. Did you ever think that maybe those named Lindsay don't like to be associated with your name?

If this lawsuit moves forward and any sort of compensation is received, then there is something wrong with our judicial system. It will no doubt cause others to sue in response to movies, commercials, television programs, and celebrities that they think are making fun of them. All of this could happen because of one washed up celebrity that has lost touch with reality long ago. And that's truly the sadder of the situations. To most, though, it's another talented young celebrity that has become immersed in world of partying, rebelling, and drinking too much milk. Oh wait, now I'm confusing reality and fictional commercials again. I've got to stop that.

On the other hand, maybe Lindsay Lohan is right. Perhaps she is just a talking baby who enjoys a little too much milk and talks to other girls' boyfriends. In the end, that is much more of the truth than an Etrade commercial could ever depict. And for that, I'm thankful.

Jason

*I will not be suing the makers of "Friday the 13th" if they can produce the Golden Fleece from "Jason and the Argonauts". Everything can be settled with that.

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