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My happier moments are lost in you...

It was once said that April is the cruelest month. And with the wicked weather we've been having here, I would have to agree. It is supposed to be the time of year when there is a sense of hope and rebirth amongst us all. Its a time when relationships bloom, when the weather becomes nice, and a good sense of renewal takes shape for all.

I'd like to say all of those things have happened in one moment of clarity for me, just this afternoon. Though the weather is still frightful, feeling more like November instead of April. And that is exactly the gloom I've been feeling in my life over the period of the last week. Sometimes, in life, you give your heart over to someone you love, despite the fear that comes along with it. And of course, then without cause or reason, it all comes tumbling down in a flash. You are left with a pain in your heart and ache in your stomach that you just can't shake. A feeling you've never felt before for anyone.

And these are the times in life where one usually looks back and searches for something they did wrong. A defining moment or moments that led to this ultimate feeling of betrayal. Except you can't find one. Which in turn makes the harsh reality even worse. The words are contradicting the actions, leading to even more of a altered state of mind. "Best friend. Best relationship. Best boyfriend." Three simple phrases that would lead one to believe the next words are of a loving nature, but instead you hear the complete opposite.

The self imposed isolation begins. The self pity builds and builds and you can't think of anything else but, "What's wrong with me?". Until one day, 10 days later, you are laying in bed and realize. "You know what. She's right." You were all of those things that she said. You sit back, despite the blowing wind and scattered snow, and realize that now is the time to snap out of it. If those words were brought forth from lies, excuses, or fear, so be it. The fear of love runs rampant in all parties, not just you. You believe those three phrases she said and believe in yourself. You open your blinds to let what little light there is into your house and put on that air of confidence that you never showed to anyone else but her.

You realize that life is good and you believe those three phrases because you know they are true. You know deep down that anything is fixable. All it takes is one call, one text, one word. Except you can't make that first step, if there is indeed that step to be taken. It must be her choice. And if it never happens, you realize that April is not the cruelest month. There are more important things because you have faith in who you are. It is indeed a time for renewal, and rebirth. Because its not you who is the one missing out on something great, something fun, something worth saving; its her.

Life is too short to be played from the sidelines. Sometimes, when happiness is staring you in the face, it's okay to embrace it instead of running from it. And with it, you find the people that deserve you and respect you for who you are.

Jason

"Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind."- William Shakespeare

Comments

tickled crow said…
spot on. i was under the impression that this feeling could not possibly be captured in words but you have proven me wrong.

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