I stumbled upon two realizations over the last week. One was that I hadn't written a blog in a few weeks. In this regard, I am currently taking care of that as we speak. The second realization was that I'm old. That's right, I've finally decided to admit it.
I only do this begrudgingly because of the mail I have received over the last week. It all started with a simple letter from the Relyea Funeral Chapel in Boise, Idaho. This was not your normal piece of junk mail that was addressed to "resident". It was addressed to me. My intrigue got to the best of me and I opened the mail. It was simply a survey asking me if a have a plan in place in case of the death of a loved one. This is a valid question, and I realized it wasn't just a piece of mail saying, "Jason, you're old and you should probably make arrangements for your death." The nice people of Relyea just wanted me to know what my options were. And to also provide me with a free guide entitled, "My Final Wishes Organizer." (I sent the survey out in the mail today because I like free things.)
With that piece of mail put aside, I turned to the AARP envelope I received in the mail. That's right, it's time for me to start taking advantage of being retired. I'd been waiting for this moment all of my life. I wanted to read more about the benefits of AARP, which I'm sure are plentiful, but I just couldn't find the time. I was too excited about being retired.
A few days later, I received two more pieces of intriguing mail. Apparently I am getting old, because the title line of the post card read: "Funeral Advantage Programs Assists Seniors." That's right, this mail told me that I may qualify for the Funeral Advantage Program. Thousands of Idaho residents age 50-85 have been accepted. I did not respond to this one, though I think I must be pretty special in the first place to even consider someone who is 33 for this program.
The final piece of mail was the best one yet. It's from the Scooter Store. Hell yes, I want to ride around in a scooter. I am an old man and need help getting around. And if I ask about a free Mobility Consultation, I receive a Free 48-page slow cooker recipe booklet. Everyone knows my weakness: Scooters and Slow Cooker recipe booklets.
I am 33 years old. I am, I believe, in the prime of my life. So, if you can U.S.P.S., please stop trying to accelerate my life. If you see this piece of mail with my name on it, do me a favor and just cross out my name and write "Resident". At least this way, I know the mail might be intended for anyone. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go make dinner reservations for 4pm tomorrow at the Sizzler. And if anyone has seen my cane, let me know.
"O Lord help me to be pure, but not yet."- Augustine