The Cleveland Browns

I am not a fan of the Cleveland Browns. I will say that up front. I don't hate the team, as I do others within the NFL (see: Broncos, Denver or Cutler, Jay), but I'm not exactly a fan of the team. I know of their history, their downtrodden lore, and their seemingly bad luck. So, as I was perusing the internet this morning, I decided to pay a visit to their employment opportunities page. They had one listed: Vice President of Stadium Operations. To my surprise, they did not have listed the one position I know for a fact is currently open: Head Coach. So now, since I am unable to fill out a proper application on their website, I give to you my application for Head Coach of the Cleveland Browns.

Dear Mr. Lombardi and Mr. Haslam

Good day, sirs. My name is Jason Haskins and I am writing to you today to officially announce that I am interested in your currently vacant job position of Head Coach. Though my experience is non-existent, I do believe with one year I can help turn this team into one that can rise above mediocrity. (One year is all it should take, right?)

I say that my experience is non-existent, but that is partially a lie. I have been a dedicated player of video football games over the past two decades. I even led the Cleveland Browns to a Super Bowl victory on Nintendo's Super Tecmo Bowl. Led by the accuracy of Bernie Kosar and the solid running of Kevin Mack, the Browns went undefeated en route to their Super Bowl title. Just like I'm offering now, I took over a middling franchise for one year and led them to supremacy. Then, with a solid system in place, I would move on. Much like you let many of your star players do now.

I can discuss with you further my plans for an Offensive and Defensive scheme, but let me lay some ground for you now. On Defense, I plan to play a 4-3 defense. The defense you have in place now (especially that Billy Winn) is exceptional and does not need much changing. I have a wide array of zone blitzes that will be put in place. I do need some athletic ends that can also play linebacker, but we will get to that scheme later. On offense, now this may seem crazy, but I will be looking to install a two quarterback system. This doesn't mean two quarterbacks that alternate plays. I mean two quarterbacks on the field at the same time. Let's keep that Brian Axel Hoyer and pair him with anyone that is not named Jason Campbell, Brandon Weeden, Tim Couch, Derek Anderson, Mike Pagel, Todd Philcox, Brady Quinn, or Colt McCoy. We find that second quarterback and this system will be unstoppable. Two quarterbacks. Both in shotgun formation. Who will the ball be hiked to? All I know, is long as Josh Gordon is catching passes and Davone Bess is rolling blunts, this offense cannot be stopped.

I have attached a resume for your consideration. Please note that I have been at my current job for seven years, so if anything, you can see that I have dedication to my work. I will work around the clock to make sure that I can get the job done within a year. I know you have very high standards in the city of Cleveland so the pressure to win will not stop me from succeeding. This rabid fan base deserves more than 4-12 seasons. I can promise you that I will not give up on this franchise, unless for some reason the city of Baltimore beckons me to move there.

I thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from the both you and sitting down for a possible interview. I'm very confident that the three of us will make magic happen and I won't drop the ball or fumble away glory anytime soon.


Jason Haskins


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