A Press Release


Indianapolis, Indiana: After many years of debate, the NCAA has finally given into what student athletes for years have been clamoring for: more snacks.

For Division I athletes of both men and women alike, orange slices and Sunny D will be provided to the players for immediate consumption after each game, set, or match. Said snacks will be provided by the Coach's [wife, husband, significant other]. Players are not to complain if given apples instead of oranges and Capri Sun's instead of Sunny D.

Lower Divisions of Athletics [see Division II and Division III] will also receive snacks, but drinks will not be provided.

This release also contains a few rule changes and announcements for other major college sports.

As it once was in Little League and other sports played as a child, all players must participate in at least 1/3 of the game. All student athletes deserve at least this much, in fairness of sportsmanship. And sharing.

In correlation to this, scores will no longer be kept, except in Football. The NCAA believes in a world of participating and learning, not in competing in contests to test one's character, determination, and will. No one likes losers, so let's just eliminate a winning and losing side altogether. Every person and team is a winner in our book. Except in football. We make a lot of money off of college football.

Speaking of football, we have added Rule 361 to Section F. All Defensive players must count to seven Mississippi before rushing the Quarterback. This new rule will be enforced in 2014 in order to aid struggling Offensive's all over the country.

Student Athletes will now be paid a stipend. It's not enough that many of the athletes demanding money are currently at school on a full ride scholarship [free education], but we feel they should be paid a little extra. Once again, it's only fair.

Players will be allowed to skip more classes. Now, instead of taking English 101, players will simply be assigned mandatory nap time.

No matter what anyone says, Women's Beach Volleyball is a sport at many Universities. Baseball is not. Because football needs 80 scholarships a year. You do the math.

The NCAA thanks you for your time. Remember, sharing is caring.