EMMITSBURG, MD- Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday celebrations were had all across the United States yesterday. Whiskey was drank, beads were given out, and breasts were shown.
For one man in Emmitsburg, all of that was missed.
Mark Davis, 31, of Emmitsburg, awoke Wednesday morning as he would every other day. As he brewed his coffee, Mr. Davis realized that today was Ash Wednesday. He had been to Church just three days prior but paid no attention to the service times for Ash Wednesday so he hopped on the internet. As he searched for local services and times, Mark had another sudden realization.
He'd slept through Fat Tuesday.
Ever since he'd turned 21, Mark had not missed a Fat Tuesday celebration. He had always looked forward to it. This was a day when he could drink as much as he wanted and stare at women's breasts without being judged . It was Mark's personal Christmas and this year it had completely slipped his mind.
The empty void in Mr. Davis' heart was still with him as he waited in line at Church to receive the sign of the cross in ash upon his forehead. He was devastated. He couldn't believe he'd have to wait an entire year to enjoy Mardi Gras.
Then, as if the blessed Lord came down to him, Mr. Davis had an epiphany. He would make Ash Wednesday his own personal Mardi Gras.
After receiving the customary ash upon his brow, Mark ran straight to the sacramental wine. According to witnesses, Mark chugged the entire chalice, spilling much of it down the front of his white shirt. He yelled out, "Happy Mardi Gras" to the stunned crowd, stole rosaries from at least four unsuspecting elderly women, and ran from the church screaming "Free Boobs!".
Mr. Davis, according to sources, made stops at a liquor store and a party supply store. A bottle of whiskey in hand, Mr. Davis became irate when discovering the party store was out of beads. In defiance and frustration, Mr. Davis opened the bottle and began to chug the whiskey.
After agreeing to leave the store, Mr. Davis began to offer Rosary beads to people passing by in exchange for a quick peek at their breasts. Women and men alike were asked but not a single soul accepted his offer. This led to Mr. Davis calling everyone, "A bunch of losers."
Mr. Davis Ash Wednesday destruction did not stop there. Frustrated that no one would join him in an Ash Wednesday bar crawl, Mr. Davis begin to turn over trash cans, dumping the trash cans into the street.
With a trail of fast food bags and newspapers behind him, Mr. Davis stepped into his favorite Fat Tuesday bar, Hollys. Noticing the previous day's decorations had already been taken down, Mr. Davis quietly ordered a beer and a shot. He chugged both and then proceeded to litter the bar with streamers he had purchased at the party store. Gold streamers were tossed about haphazardly and Mr. Davis reveled in the joy of his own Mardi Gras.
After being taken to the curb by the owner, Mr. Davis ripped off his shirt and sprinted down the street screaming, "Ash Wednesday, bitches!"
Mark was later tracked down by authorities, passed out drunk in front of St. Joseph's Catholic Church, where his night had began. A near empty bottle of whiskey in hand, Mr. Davis was still shirtless, sans five Rosaries around his neck. He had also found time to write "Go God" on his chest in ketchup.
No charges were filed, though Mr. Davis agreed to return the Rosaries to the elderly women and to pay a small fine. "I feel bad for him," said Officer Keith Mitchell. "The man slept through his favorite day of the year. That has to be agonizing."
When asked for comment, all Mr. Davis had to say was this. "I'm sorry I missed Mardi Gras. You better believe that I won't miss St. Patrick's Day. It's already marked on my calendar."