An Open Letter to Barry Bonds

Dear Mr. Bonds,

Good afternoon. I hope today finds you in good spirits and that you are continuing to enjoy your retirement. It sure looks like you are having a lot of fun, especially when taking selfies of yourself and a sleeping Willie Mays.

My name is Jason Haskins. As a kid, and even into my early 20s, the San Francisco Giants were my second favorite baseball team (Go Red Sox!). When you signed with San Francisco, my love for the Giants only grew. Near my 18th birthday, I was given your rookie card as a gift. With a stellar career and a terrific baseball lineage already under your belt, I imagined this card could one day fetch me a pretty penny.

That is why I'm writing you today. After you broke the single season home run record, the rookie card I held in my possession was valued at $700. At this time, I imagined a future in which you broke the all-time home run record and were an unanimous selection for the Hall of Fame, thus growing the value of the card. Then the bottom fell out.

Through allegations of steroid use and your association with Victor Conte and Balco (hey,we've all hung with some shady characters from time to time. Guilt by association, am I right?), the card's value drastically fell. Yes, you can also argue that an over saturation of the market also led to card values declining, but that's not the point. These days, your rookie card is valued at anywhere between nine and thirty-five dollars. This is despite you being the undisputed home run king.

If, Mr. Bonds, you could find it in your heart to donate $700 to this penniless writer, your gratitude would be much appreciated. I have worked hard to accomplish my goals, something you know a lot about. The former high-end value of this card would go a long way in helping me to continue my pursuit of living as a writer.

I hope life finds you well. I do have one other question. Is your head still growing and your body still getting bigger? I noticed it happened to you in your mid-30's and I fear that will happen to me as I inch towards my 40's.  I know you're not a doctor but does this happen to all men? Aging sucks, right?

Thanks again for your time, Mr. Bonds. Please consider my request and I'll even mail you my Ken Griffey, Jr. rookie card. That's an eight dollar value. If you'd like, you can put the $700 directly into my PayPal account. Private message me and I'll provide the info.

Say hi to Willie for me!

Sincerely,

Jason

P.S. Do you know how I can reach Roger Clemens?

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Bromance of Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Matthew Lillard

Counting down the days until Nevada Day

Christmas Letter 2017