Local dad to children: Love is not a secret ingredient

Landing as the second-favorite parent in his family for all these years finally took its toll on local dad Ray Hansen.

Fed up with second-tier adoration, Mr. Hansen revealed to his children a family secret he'd been harboring for years: their mother's cooking did not in fact include the secret ingredient of love.

"Love is not something you can mix in with flour and milk," Mr. Hansen told his two teenage kids. "Your mother loves you--just as I do--but never once has she put love into your cookies. And her meatloaf? Ground beef and onions are included, but there is no love. Love cannot be measured in a tablespoon or a quart."

Questioned as to why he chose Father's Day to deliver this stunning revelation to his kids, Mr. Hansen defiantly replied, "To be quite honest, I was tired of my kids believing I didn't love them as much just because I didn't cook.  Yeah, I barbeque from time to time, but am I going to say, 'Kid, these hot dogs are made with a special ingredient tonight: Love.' No. I can't say that because hot dogs are made from guts and stuff. Plain and simple. Plus, I was tired of getting a tie for Father's Day. Ten straight years! I don't even wear ties, except to funerals."

Mr. Hansen kept on this diatribe for a good ten minutes. He touched on everything from mothers everywhere "having it so good" to why the god damned Browns can't just get a decent gosh darned quarterback. He also mentioned something about his mother never using love as an ingredient in the microwave dinners he had a child..


Speaking to neighbor Elroy Elderson, "Man, I can't believe Ray did that. I mean, there are some secrets you take to the grave. It's like telling your kids there is no tooth fairy or that Santa Claus isn't real... Wait. Will kids be reading this? Can you retract my last statement?"

As you can see, we did not.


When pressed for answers, Ray's wife Alma replied, "I stand by the fact everything I make includes the ingredient of love." 

She stopped speaking to us after that, offering no further comments or insights.

Both of Ray and Alma's kids--Josh, 16, and Lindsay, 14--offered no comment on the situation. They simply rolled their eyes and went back to posting Instagram stories.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there--near and far. Hope your day is filled with ties, cards, and maybe even your favorite food for dinner. And hopefully it's cooked with love.

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