Looking around at the various construction going on in downtown Boise, I was reminded of this monologue I wrote for 'Voices from the Boise Hole 2' back in 2013. The play, consisting of monologues written by myself and Evan Sesek, with contributions from Aaron Kiefer, takes a look at the ever expanding city that is Boise, Idaho. This monologue was also written as Boise was getting ready to celebrate its sesquicentennial. (To see another monologue that ultimately wasn't used, read Endorse this Ad.)
The play was produced by Alley Repertory Theater in April of 2013 and performed at the Visual Arts Collective in Garden City, Idaho. It was directed by Aaron Kiefer. A kind man named Justin originally performed the role of Ralph. The role was later re-written for the 2015 Treefort Festival in Boise and was performed by Sam Lounsbury.
WARNING: Contains a bit of strong language
(RALPH, clearly drunk, is singing while in the bathroom of the VAC. A toilet flushes and he exits the bathroom. He continues to sing until he reaches the bar.)
RALPH
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday deeeeaarr Boise! Happy Birthday to you!
(To bartender)
Line 'em Joe. Whiskey and a shot. Beer and a beer... Shot and a beer... What do you mean you can't serve me? I'm fine. I'm good. I've been to every bar today and you can't serve me? Yeah, I can name them... Mulligans, Neurolux, Tenth St., Fireside, Quinns, Ranch Club, Suds, Broadway Bar, McClearys, Charlie Browns, Buddies, Hooligans, Cactus, The Modern, Pengillys, Moe's Place, and the Ranch Club... I said the Ranch Club twice for a reason.
One beer. Deal. Just don't you worry 'bout me. It's not my fault I like to party.
(The BARTENDER hands RALPH a beer. RALPH takes a drink. He turns around, noticing the audience for the first time.)
What the fuck is this? You people look like you have to fun. Who likes to party? I see you there. You must like to party. You ever been to the Nav? THE NAV? The Navajo Room? Like with the fuckin' giant Indian? That place is awesome...but kind of sad. They have this one-armed girl there. She's got a hook for a hand. Ass like a shelf. I never hit that, though. Gross.
I love to party. I'm Ralph. What's your name? Who cares! Chances are I'm not going to remember it. You know whose name I remember? The teller at my bank. Greg gives me twenty dollars every morning. Drinking is fuckin' expensive these days. And I'm not gonna drink that crap PBR that everyone drinks 'round here. You know what, though? I like to party...
Hey pretty eyes. Didn't I see you at Tenth Street yesterday? Not you? Well, they have this one-armed girl there. She's a little cross-eyed but has tits out to here. I didn't hit that though. Gross... You gotta smoke? I usually have one, but the two packs I allow myself a day are gone. I've always said that I don't have a smoking problem, but smoking has a Ralph problem... So that's a no? Not even one for you old friend Ralph? Fair enough. Wanna fuck? I'm messing with you. This isn't your boyfriend, is it?
You guys ever been to the Balcony? I used to love that place. You could go in there and grab all the condoms in the world. For free! They have this one-armed man in there with abs of steel... So, yeah...
What do you say we take our drinks to the streets and fire our guns in the air? It's a birthday celebration, after all... Of course I brought my gun. Didn't you? Don't worry, I've been backgrounded. Everyone needs a gun. Here, let me show you... It's not an assault rifle. It's here somewhere... Now, where did it go? I swear I lose this thing like twice a week... Crap, I must have dropped it... Let's all take our drinks to the streets and---look for my gun! Hi ho, hi ho, to look for my gun we go. To the streets!
(RALPH starts to leave, but abruptly stops and comes back when he notices that no one followed him.)
You guys are no fun. You've all changed. You've become too cool for your own good. Go back to your boutiques and your coffee shops and your PF Changs. I remember the old downtown. Not this new downtown, this midget Portland. Like a Mini-Me Portland. All these silly shops and boutiques or whatever the crap they are. All these salons and pretty places to get your haircut. There used to be a barber shop on every block. Now there's maybe two... Total! A MAN gets his haircut at a barber shop, not by Roberto at the DV8 salon... I love the smell of Old Spice and Brute. That's where a man gets his haircut. They have Playboys and Hustlers layed out. That's a real way to get a haircut. At least I still have Hannifans. I can get my Plumper Humpers every month. And don't even get me started on the bars. Where are the real bars? Where's the Black Palomino? Huh? The Interlude and being packed in like sardines. Like a steam room, but it was an awesome bar because it was fuckin' sad. I like to relax at a bar. What about the Pub 'N' Tub? I want to be able to get a drink and enjoy it upstairs in a hot tub with my friends. Now that's a party! Give me back old Boise! Give me back fun! Give me back the Beanery, Joe's Down Under, the Bouquet, Dino's on Emerald. Give me back Yankee Dog Steve and his hits of the 80's. Give me back the Iron Gate...
(RALPH has had a seat on the edge of the stage during the last part of his speech. He trails off as he lists the bar, eventually falling asleep. He snores for a few beats before finally snapping back to life.)
I love to party! I should go. My doctor said I shouldn't be drinking, but how much harm can some whiskey do? Four weeks ago I was in a hospital bed. Layed up from crashing my bike. Only the third time in the last year. No big whoop. Last time I had nine detached ribs. My ribs were just floating in my bodily fluids. Doctors told me they would never attach again without the help of wire pins. Fuck that, I say. I start drinking this herbal tea from Brazil and Bam! Ribs are healed... And I tell you, the whiskey and beer certainly don't hurt... So fuck you doctors! I'm my own doctor. I'm God. I am the Party God and will bring this party to the streets. A party this town will remember. To Mulligans and then to Tenth St. and then to McCleary's and then to China Blue--No, fuck that place--And to the Navajo Room and to the Ranch Club and to the Pub 'N' Tub. I am the Party God!
(RALPH is heading towards the exit as he finishes naming the bars.)
Happy Birthday to Boise! Happy Birthday to you!
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