ONE NIGHT ONLY!

Maury has tied Oprah in the ratings!

This should be on the front page news. The Queen of daytime is being dethroned by the King of Paternity Tests. Maury better watch out. This reminds me of another time when another daytime talk show host tried to take on Oprah. Please read and enjoy!

*Author's note: This is essentially a re-post of a blog I wrote for another website in 2005. I may have changed some things. Not to protect the innocent, but because chances are I spelled some stuff wrong the first time.

ONE NIGHT ONLY

THE MATCH EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

OPRAH VS GOD VS TONY DANZA

That's right folks, after all the months of debate and name calling, these three heavyweights are finally taking their jabber to the ring. It all started months ago, when after a barrage of questions from Oprah, God threw off his microphone and stormed off of Oprah's Chicago set. Even after his exit, Oprah continued to tear into God about what a lousy father he had been by leaving his poor wife to care for their child without any sort of support. God responded by saying that, "his private life is private" and that "people like Oprah and Hard Copy should stay out of his life."

Tony Danza joined the fracas later that day on his own talk show, stating that Oprah should just learn to bake a nice lasagna for her guests and everything would go better. Mr. Danza said Oprah shouldn't take things for granted and should learn to praise god for her talent. Mr. Danza proceeded to ask God if he would appear on THE TONY DANZA SHOW. God, ever the nice man, gave Mr. Danza a polite no. God stated, "If I wouldn't appear on Chevy Chase's show, then I sure as heck wouldn't be appearing on your show opposite of GUIDING LIGHT. Who can compete with that?" Danza subsequently lost it after that. He began to sing Sinatra and pondered to himself aloud who really was the boss?

The battle raged on and soon enough, Mark Cuban decided he could make some money on all of this. A pay-per-view affair was soon drawn up and the three would battle it out in a Triple Threat Match.

Oprah, a self made woman, continued to make promises to her fans. "If I win, everyone's getting a new car." This would mark the 11th time that she'd promised this to her fans this season. If she won, it would only mark the second time she's followed through with said promise.

God stayed silent for the most part and said only one thing to the press. "I'm sorry that I ever answered Oprah's prayers to have this talk show succeed. I can see now that it has gone to her head."

The big night arrived. Danza came out with his entrance music: the theme song from WHO'S THE BOSS? His corner man for that night would be none other than Jonathan Bower himself, Mr. Danny Pintauro. Oprah came out next. She arrived to 50 Cent's hit song "Candy Shop". As always, Oprah was backed by Dr. Phil. At one point before the fight, Dr. Phil had Pintauro in tears. We all that with Dr. Phil, there's always a breakthrough. Finally, God made his entrance into the arena. "Eye of the Tiger" blared through the speakers and he had many people in his corner because, well, because he's God.

Despite all of the hype and fanfare, the match turned out to be short lived. It turned out that Oprah was God, thus negating the existence of man. She made short work of Danza by taking his own advice. She baked him a nice lasagna using his very own recipe. Once again, Oprah was on top of the world.

*So, Maury Povich, watch your back. Tony Danza was relegated to the 3am time slot in some markets, while most markets simply stopped carrying his talk show. Though I don't think you need to worry as long as you keep those giant babies walking around your set.

J.

Keep on rocking in the free world

National Novel Writing Month

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for me to set about writing an entire novel in one month. The only difference is, that this year, I've decided to continue to the novel I started last year during this event. What does that mean to you, valued reader? Well, I'm glad that you asked.

First off, it means I may not update this blog for the month of November. While I will try, there are no guarantees. Of course, the blogs have been few and far between lately, so it's not like I've exactly been on top of it.

Secondly, I will be posting the chapters on my other blog on this site: Palm trees and paradise. I will post a link at the bottom of this page or you can just click on my profile picture and access it from there.

The first ten chapters that I write are a re-hashing from last year, so feel free to skip those if you read them last year. If not, or even if you did, please read and enjoy.

All feedback is appreciated.

Thank You.

J.

An Open Letter to the BCS...

o whom it may concern:

Please do not allow the Boise State Broncos to play in the National Championship Game.

You see, I am a BSU fan. I have been for about ten years now, long before those words were uttered in the same sentence here in Boise. Well, unless you count the old Division I-AA days. I am not discussing that today. Those were great teams, and we've certainly had our fair share of great teams here at Boise State over the last ten years. I'm talking about the here and the now.

We're talking about a team that is still having trouble with the center/quarterback exchange. I mean, come on, these guys are sophomores in college. COLLEGE! They should have no problem with that by now, right? It's a very simple thing to do and we certainly don't want to see a national championship game with bad exchanges. They do it so perfectly in bigger schools like Oklahoma and Ohio State.

Our team is so young, they really would have trouble performing on a national stage. I mean, they only beat Oregon (currently ranked #11 in certain polls) by a score of 19 to 8 and only handled Tulsa on the road by 7. Sure, maybe it was raining and the team was missing two starters, but the team didn't even make an excuse. This BSU team cannot put a full game together and seem to only show up on the offensive side of the ball for two quarters of a game. Their sophomore quarterback, Mr. Kellen Moore, should be much better by now. Two interceptions against 16 touchdowns? Those numbers should be much higher considering the competition he is playing and the young receiving corps he's throwing, too. Austin Pettis has seven touchdowns and 441 receiving yards. Maybe if their running game (3 players averaging over 5 yards a carry) would do better, they could win every game 45-7. The big name schools (like USC and Texas) have played full four quarters in all of their games this year. Even in National Championship Games, a BCS school will always play four quarters of football, just like Oklahoma and Ohio State.

We, as a football nation, can easily give the Broncos a "minor" BCS bowl game, like the Fiesta bowl. This team is too young and inexperienced to win any sort of big game. Their competition is horrible. For the Broncos to get to a National Championship Game, they need to schedule better teams. Or maybe, just maybe, the teams in the WAC can start to win some of THEIR games against the BCS schools. Then the Broncos could actually be befitting of their ranking. Maybe it's the pollsters faults for ranking this young team so high to begin the season. With all of the early season losses for other big teams, of course the Broncos would rise. Now, they are going to get passed by teams that have lost games they should have won. (Ahem, USC.)

The thing is, the Broncos only have 2 seniors on this team so they'll have plenty of chances to be good again next year. If all goes according to plan, they will have 20 starters returning and then maybe you can give them the shot at a title. Why reward them this year with a silly game for the title? Next year, they'll get to challenge the likes of Virginia Tech, Oregon State, and probably a FCS school. They are the only ones with this caliber of team that schedules an FCS school. Charleston Southern and Delaware State are FBS schools, right?

Please, BCS committee, do not reward these hard working kids that have fans who will travel with a National Title shot if they are still undefeated. Of course if you did, then maybe you would have to do it all over again next year? And no one surely wants that, right?

Sincerely,

J.

The San Diego (Stupor) Chargers

Fire. Norv. Turner. There, I said it. Three little words that I'm sure many in Chargers Nation are feeling today. The reverberating echo of those words are ringing true following the Chargers loss to the Denver Broncos. It was as much a loss as it was a statement by the Denver Broncos that there is a new sheriff in the wild, wild west. The fact is, though, the Chargers have slowly slipping over the past two years.

Let's look back to the debacle that was last year. A team that finished 8-8 caught lightning in a bottle at the right time and almost let it carry them to the Super Bowl. On paper, you look at Norv Turner and see that he is two for two in AFC West Championships. The first year he coached with the Chargers was no fluke. They were a good, solid team and came within a game of the Super Bowl. In Turner's second year, the team was ravished with injuries, but thanks to a melt down by the Denver Broncos, the Chargers won their last four games and won the AFC West. Once again, the Chargers used their momentum to get within a game of the Super Bowl. Norv Turner must be a great coach, right?

Wrong. Norv Turner came into town being hailed as an offensive genius. He was offensive coordinator with the Dallas Cowboys for two Super Bowls, made Kerry Collins a star in Oakland, and was the offensive coordinator for Alex Smith's only good year as a pro. He was brought into San Diego to bring life into a Chargers' offense that had begun to rely too much on the run. Yes, the passing game has flourished over the past two years with Phillip Rivers at the helm. At the same time, the running game has virtually disappeared. Sure, LT has been hurt, but Norv Turner does not seem to know when to run the ball. His "creative" play calling as been anything but that. This year, it can even be called an inept. The Chargers failure to score touchdowns in the red zone is one reason they are losing a few of these games. Last time I checked, seven was worth more than three. Twice this year Turner has tried to run Darren Sproles at the goal line, once with the game on the line. The results: A loss to Baltimore and negative gain against Denver. Both times, the defense knew exactly what was coming. The play makes even less sense against Denver because LT was removed from the game, even though he had found some momentum on that series. Even though he was stopped on two prior runs, the opportunity was open for a play action, yet Norv appears afraid to run that play in the red zone.

The opportunities are growing smaller and smaller for the Chargers. Yes, we are only five games in the season. Yes, they should win their next two games. Yes, Denver is bound to slump a little bit. Last night's game was probably the best game the defense has played as a collective whole in a long time. (I don't count Raiders games.) Antonio Cromartie actually looked like he wanted to play football again last night. The Special Teams had a break down last night by giving up those two touchdown returns. The linebackers are beat up and the d-line gets no pressure. All of these are reasons that people defend Norv Turner. Well, it is time to stop making excuses. Norv Turner is not the man to run this team. The man needs to show some passion. He is too laid back, or so it seems, to be a head coach, and the Chargers players feed off of that. Maybe if the players followed the leadership and intensity of Phillip Rivers, we could see more results. Until Norv Turner is gone, though, I'm afraid the San Diego Chargers will continue to stumble through the long season in a drunken stupor.

J.

Balloon Boy

As many of you probably know, Americans were glued to their televisions and computers this afternoon watching the ordeal of the six year old boy floating above Colorado in his parents' weather balloon. For a quick back story, a six year old boy crawled into the weather balloon and the balloon came un-tethered from the house from which it was tied. The balloon floated over the city at high elevations for nearly two hours before crash landing in a field. Upon arriving at the scene, officers and volunteers found the balloon to be empty. As it turned out, the boy is safe at home in this hour and fortunately, no tragedy occurred. The boy simply had untied the balloon and was afraid of punishment, so he hid in a box in the attic of the garage. No harm, no foul.

Which brings me to a bigger issue that I have uncovered in this news story. It's a complex issue that has plagued Americans and others alike for many years. It is very serious and needs to be dealt with head on. It's time to stop ignoring what is going on here. That issue, my friend, is simply this: Storm chasing, alien loving hippies.

That's right, they are out there. Inspired by the movie Twister and the movie Fire in the Sky, the group of storm chasing hippies will only grow in notoriety thanks to today's news story. And maybe that's why all of this happened. It was an elaborate hoax designed by the father of poor Falcon (the six year old's name) in an effort to bring mention of his cause. Lo and behold, I've jumped on the train. Who doesn't want to give up their job and become a professional storm chaser? There's nothing like spending all of your free time making a weather balloon out of the foil from old jiffy pop popcorn devices. You know, the popcorn that you pop over the stove? That's the foil I'm talking about. Once that ultimate weather balloon is made, you spend your entire time traveling the mid west searching for the ultimate F5 tornado. Maybe even in their down time, the kids travel around on their bicycles looking for the perfect dust devil. Point being, storm chasing hippies are here to stay.

According to various news sources I looked at today, including Yahoo and CNN, this family even spent time designing saucer like objects that could fly into the center of a storm. While I appreciate the fact we, as a whole, could possibly collect data from these storms, it is obvious we have placed the production in the wrong hands. These hippies spend the day building weather balloons, following Doppler radar, not showering, meditating, and then searching the skies for alien life form. This man, Mr. Richard Heene, has even had his family appear on the "hit" ABC series Wife Swap. No kidding. The storm chasing hippie really likes the publicity and here he has developed the ultimate plan to bring his community of people to the forefront. Instead of sending monkeys to space, he will send his little boy to space in a weather balloon filled with popcorn.

Is that a stretch? No. Okay, maybe. Maybe it was a test to see if the weather balloon could fly to see how long it could go. Maybe these storm chasing hippies are going to live in the Jiffy Pop Balloon and travel the world searching for hurricanes and tornadoes. I really have no idea. All I do know is that the Storm Chasing, Alien Loving Hippies are growing in number in Colorado. In fact, their numbers are only second to those of the John Elway fan club. That's saying a lot. Now Mr. Heene has caught the nation's attention with his weather balloon and his balloon boy. I just kept thinking what an adventure that would have been for this boy. Flying high over the majestic state of Colorado, complete trapped in the Jiffy Pop Balloon. What a gas! The aliens living in hurricanes must be impressed.

As it is, the storm chasing hippies will continue to go on watching the Weather Channel, documenting the events of Alien, and working on their ultimate weather balloon. Until then, I'd like you to remember these two very important lessons that came from today: Don't tie your weather balloon to the side of your house and all young boys are liars.

Thank you and good night.

J.

*Thanks to Yahoo and CNN for their extended coverage. And Veronica, sorry I couldn't include you in this blog. I will thank you in advance for your support on the Balloon Boy script I'm working on. If all goes well, it will be the perfect companion piece to Jake Gyllenhaal's 2001 hit, Bubble Boy. It is your support and devotion that will make us rich off of this movie. By the way, I need to borrow $10,000...

You've got updates...

For nearly a month, tumbleweeds have blown through these hallowed pages. Okay, maybe they're not so hallowed, but they do appear to be pages nonetheless. Who's to say if the blogs will come forth in high propensity again, but we shall see. It is my hopes they do, but for the mean time, let's see what's happening in my life, and more importantly, in pop culture.

My beloved car Challenger 2 was sent to the car graveyard roughly a month ago. She was just short of being with me for four years. It seems a lady ran a red light and choose my car as a perfect target. I have been searching for nearly month (one reason for the lack of blogs) and have found a nice little car for myself. Due to a lack of originality in naming cars, she shall be christened Challenger 3. It's much like the third Fast and the Furious Movie. Both the movie and name are pointless, because Paul Walker is not involved.

As for my writing, I have submitted a monologue to a theatre in Iowa for a monologue festival and have also sent a screenplay to the Nevada Film Festival. I was supposed to hear in September about the monologue, and I'm guessing it's a no since we have only seven days left in this month. The screenplay I will hear about, with an accept or decline, in late December/early January. I've also finished up the first act of a new full length play and am currently working on a re-write of my first full length, Poison. And, after a journey of nearly 16 years (that's right, since the 8th grade folks), I'm approaching the finish of my fantasy novel. I hope to have a draft typed up by the end of the week, and from there, greatness. Finally, I've also continued the work on the novel I did for National Novel Writing Month last year. The first chapters are available on my blog site, under Palm Trees and Paradise. Please, feel free to take a gander and give me your thoughts.

I would talk about more personal things, you know, jobs, girls, friends, etc., but who wants to be bored with those certain aspects of life. I did attend a memorial service for my aunt this summer, which also served as a lovely family reunion with many relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was a good time and there's nothing quite like drinking margaritas with family until late in the evening.

Normally, I write something witty about pop culture and do something in the style of Joel McHale. I'm saving that for a later blog...Okay, just a few nuggets of interest:

-- Hey, Entertainment Weekly, thanks for not putting Twilight or Vampires on the cover of your issue this week. Not everyone in America is obsessed with Vampires like you. 48 weeks in a row is a little much.

-- I'm not even gonna say anything about Kanye West.

-- Except hey buddy, maybe it's time to take a little break and do some proper grieving.

-- I never thought I'd miss Ryan Seacrest. When's Idol on again?

-- Just kidding. I don't miss him. I'm glad Paula Abdul is gone, though. Now she can finally go back to dancing with her cartoon cat.

-- In an act of shameless self-promotion, in a half-assed kind of way, go to youtube.com and check out my cartoon cat dance. Just search "Van Dykes + dancing cat" or maybe it's " Jason + dancing cat". I can't really remember. That's why the promotion is half-assed.

I also lost to Adam at fantasy football this week. Next thing you know, I'll be losing to Josh.

Jason H.: the tall one on the left, hidden by obscurity.

A Misguided Society

Have we, as humans, lost the right to make responsible choices and decisions? That is the question I am putting forth this very evening. As a country, we are trying in utter disdain to create a utopia. Evidence mounts each and every day that points this. We want to control everything from the weather to what we eat in order to create a perfect society. In the process, we are tearing down the little people and often assigning blame to places it shouldn't be placed. My point today, in what may seem like a bitter rant against a decaying nation, will be centered around the people that are regulating our choice of beer cans. More importantly, it's against something that really has no impact in what kind or how much a beer a person will drink. I am speaking, of course, of the right to choose a beer in a neatly colored can, if I so desire.

For those of you that don't know or are unaware, Bud Light has recently launched limited edition cans in which the cans are multi-colored in honor of your favorite college. Okay, maybe not your favorite color, but there are over 20 different options in various parts of this lovely country. For example, out here in Boise State Bronco country, the cans are, or will be, blue and orange. Now, keep in mind, nowhere on these cans does it say "Sponsored by Boise State" or have a picture of the mascot on it. Bud Light is in no way endorsing the fact that people at Boise State like to get drunk on Bud Light. To me, it is simply a gesture to mark the start of the most wonderful time of year: football season.

Now, it seems, that a collection of college universities have decided to write letters to the fine people at Bud Light in hopes of getting these specially designed cans pulled off the market. Why, you may ask? Well, let me tell you, fine people of the world. It seems these universities believe that these colored cans will promote/are promoting underage drinking. Are you kidding me? What you're basically telling me is that these kids in college are making the choice to drink based on whether or not the beer has the same colors as their team/school? This is an utterly foolish thought. College students, who do include people that are of legal age to drink, will not take a drink simply for the fact that the beer is blue and orange. What these universities are telling me is that Joe Freshman, who doesn't like to drink and never has, will suddenly start binge drinking because they released the beer in his school colors. This is not logistical thinking by any means.

All of the universities that have written these letters have remained for the most part anonymous. One that hasn't is from the good old people at Boise State University. In their minds, their precious school will turn into a binge drinking hall of fame because of the blue and orange colored Bud Light. That's right folks, it's no matter if they even like Bud Light, the kids will do it simply because the colors are blue and orange and that's school pride. This coming from the same campus that recently banned smoking because smoking causes suicide rates to jump and people that smoke are worse students than those that don't. (I will not cover this issue, because my good friend Josh Belville recently wrote about it. I'm not sure of the link to it, so if he reads this, perhaps he would be nice enough to provide a link. If not, I know it's on Facebook.)

The point is simply this: Students are going to choose to drink or not to drink based on the usual reasons. Many will want to experiment and give it a try. Many will do it because they are in college and that's what college students do. People have the right and the decision to drink if they want to. While I will not condone underage drinking, we all know it's out, and the kids find a way. Just because it's an orange and blue, or red and white, or whatever color combination does not suddenly mean underage drinking is going to sky rocket. Don't we have more important things to worry about? Like stimulating the economy or who to take first in the fantasy draft. Let the adults have their cans and quit trying to control every little thing and step that society takes. It's personally no matter to me, as I will continue to drink Keystone Light. A can is a can and a beer is a beer. Now let's all raise our colored cans and toast to the slow downfall of a society misguided.

J.

"...to remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all..." -Peace Nobelist Elie Wiesel